“When Friends Shy Away ...” Lessons During A Crisis
Dear friend,
I am glad that you have not picked up my calls or returned my texts over past many weeks / months. That act of inaction or the attitude by which you communicate a message to me is strong enough and I am intelligent enough to get the “message”.
They say that the test of character is in a crisis. When they say that it’s “testing times”, it means different things to different folks - testing for COVID, testing for various medical issues, stressful time, and more importantly , the base of this note - “test of a friendship”.
We have had happy moments sharing our personal & professional victories and also sulked over those moments of frustration. And we overcame and grew along, all these years.
I learnt that a crisis or a difficult moment creates a sense of panic and worry about association-related imagery. People who see their friend in a crisis seem to take it as a “contagious” scenario. That starts off a trend of behaviour that ostracises the person-in-difficulty. And I understand your shying away from my life journey.
Perception plays an important role in most relationships. It’s not my calling to be seen with you. I get it that you wonder if I would ask for help. That’s normal fear. But that act of yours in not communicating, is a message by itself, to friends like me to stay stronger and say “this too shall pass”. I get it you don’t want to be seen around or heard along me. It’s not your duty to stand with me; even if you stand up for truth and go through the moments of truth and hardship. For truth is singular and not binary at all.
It’s after all, your own calling to be who you are and what you want to be (perceived). And your old boys / girls networks still rule - especially of the bigger brands of education, consulting, corporate brands... that’s the correlation to expensive realty and networks to build your future on. And to the fancy degrees and scholastic achievements, along with bombastic announcements, even in those situations that showcase your position and social status.
Let me share some of my learnings of the past few months of stressful times.
Learnings from crisis
“You are your only best friend in a crisis.”
(Don’t be saddened by loneliness. I used the space to meditate and to bring in clarity of my thinking !).
“Self respect & self confidence are yours.
Hold onto it, irrespective of others’ doubts.”
“Conviction in my values & confidence in my actions defines me. “
“Stay healthy. Eat healthy. Exercise more.”
Crisis management needs fitness - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
(Spirituality is NOT religion)
“Perception is the new reality”.
In social media era, you are pronounced guilty first; then you use disproportionate amount of resources to clear your image !
“Cut costs ruthlessly. You are not here for a popularity vote!”
(Walk the talk. If you are cutting costs, Lead by example. Sell your car if you have to, but not your soul!)
“Use the best of advisors. Don’t cringe on cost for good quality advice.”
“Over-communicate to your internal teams & Key stakeholders. “
Be ready for all kind of perceptions. Be aware that everyone will have an opinion, as if they know you for ages.
Be ready for someone who was chasing you, suddenly not even recognising you !!
When you network, it helps to be genuine. Be genuinely interested in people and not just for the contacts or ability to name-drop. These relationships are truly tested only in a crisis !
Last but most important. Talk to your family daily. They bear the brunt of a crisis and they don’t have a vent as the world including your apartment block folks will doubt or avoid them!
Yes my dear friend,
After all, you might have been at your own cross-roads of perceptions & (image) positioning; that you could not reach out to me or be seen supporting me.
After this phase is through and when I bounce back, some of my friends such as yourself will rebound. It’s a promise to myself that I will not hold onto your avoiding me, and will not make it an ego issue. I would rather connect again.
If we bump into each other somewhere, I surely would smile and walk upto you to say hello. For now, I am a stronger and better evolved individual. After all, we live only once ! Crisis has make me stronger and I can share the benefit of that resilience with you.
With best wishes,
(This note is an imaginary note from an person in difficult situation, to his friend who has been avoiding him. )
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