If I Were A Woman!

Okay this is a Woman’s special so I’ve got to write something about women. First of all let me tell you that I like women much better than men. They look better, smell better, sound better and mostly work better. Men are hairy, smelly, they are unable to speak their heart and always have mud on their shoes. Women are mostly sweet and sensitive, always have a little girl in them and rarely have beards or moustaches.

I’d like to request all feminists and ultra conservatives to stop reading now — this isn’t really your kind of article — I hope you’re listening Uvika, Antara, Valerie and Udita!

So in my company I hire mostly women. There’s Kaajal, Taraana, Sunita, Leeza, Ridhi, Soumya, Kanika and Mekhala. Only when my back is turned someone hires the guys.

In fact in my next life I’d like to be born a woman. They have so much fun. Men have such dull lives in comparison not to mention we have much less exciting body parts and fewer pairs of shoes.

If I was a woman here’s some of the stuff I would do.

I would wear stilettoes to office and run across marble floors to catch a lift: This is such a totally cool act to perform. It’s there in mostly every Hollywood movie and I would be so good at doing it. Of course once you get into the lift flushed and perspiring slightly all the guys there are in seventh heaven trying to pretend they are looking at everything but you.

I would apply lipstick in the car just before a meeting: What do men do before a meeting? Nothing. They have nothing to do except maybe comb their moustache in a creepy manner. Women. Now there’s something. They can comb their hair, spray a little perfume and apply lipstick looking at the rear view mirror.

I would wear those lovely sheer white working shirts. They have them on the rack in Marks and Spencers. I don’t know how the science exactly works but there are different levels of transparency. I would pick the one where there was a hint of my black lace underwired innerwear showing through.

I would smell nice all the time. Probably Versace on Mondays. Prada on Tuesdays. And a night perfume like Poison or Opium on Wednesday at work just to screw with my boss’s mind!

I would paint all my fingernails different colours. Actually all would be red but one of them blue. Or all pink and one green. And did I mention that I would always wear mismatched earrings.

I would get two tattoos. One would definitely be my name in a combination of Urdu and Sanskrit (I’d have a cool name like Zaira or Samira — not some boring Malini, Shalini or Vandana). And my second Tattoo would be a devil with angel wings — but I can’t tell you where I would put it.

I would have a little moisturizer in my bag at all times. This is a must. At the most unexpected times in meetings I would just pop out this tube of exotic earthy smelling cream and apply it. I would also slowly and deliberately apply lip balm making the client feel I’ll kiss him if he signs the cheque (keep dreaming boy!).

Oops I’m running out of space.

I would tie up my hair with a pen. And open it and let if fall during a presentation. It has to be straightened hair with a blue tint.

I would be secretly texting secret people all the time

I would put my specs on top of my head. Even if I didn’t have any specs.

I would tap the glass conference table with my fingernails.

I would get something pierced.

And for sure.

I would file my nails, make a call, eat my breakfast and drive at the same time!

Happy Women’s Day Girls!